Nothing Better Than Bubbles

I usually get pretty stressed around Christmas. So much that some presents don’t even get sent until after the holidays are over. So I still have had this present for my niece that I had wrapped all nicely in bubble wrap, and have been carrying around in the back seat of my car for months to mail. Now it is nearly Easter, and I finally pull up to the FedEx store to mail her present.

As I am waiting for the FedEx clerk to process my package, I fiddled with the bubble wrap that I had stuffed in the package. I have had another few weeks where I have been feeling much stress, and this bubble wrap was making me feel very good. But before I had popped enough bubbles to make me happy, the FedEx lady closed up my package and stacked it to be shipped.

Realizing that my stress had reached huge proportions and I really needed some relief, I went home to find other ways that might help me calm down. Taking out my yoga tapes again, I spent quite awhile in the lotus position, spent awhile in the Bali seal yoga pose, and then finally in the Padded Palm. I even practiced my Universal Sign of Peace. None of these brought me happiness and harmony so I decided to call on the great guru himself, Deepak Chopra.

Unfortunately Deepak was not listed in the Yellow Pages so I had to search him on the internet. I found his clinic and they were happy to offer me help for a mere $2500 fee. Well I certainly wasn’t THAT stressed. I politely told them to tell Deepak "hello" for me and I would call another time. I then found someone that claimed to be as talented as Deepak for a mere $25, which was missing a few zeros from my previous offer. But somehow I just did not feel like a $2475 discount would give me quality. I would search further.

Finding a number that actually was listed in the yellow pages for stress relief, I wrote down the address and drove out to the commune. I was immediately greeted by a woman in a long, flowery dress wearing beads. She gave me some of my own beads and wished me "Peace." Looking in the mirror, I immediately felt much better. I thought the beads looked very attractive on me and they were nice and shiny. The woman told me she would teach me how to breath and be one with the universe, if only for a small fee.

This gave me pause. Even though I really liked my beads, I felt like I already knew how to breathe quite well and didn’t really need lessons. She told me that I actually did need to be taught how to breathe and I really needed to adjust my diet. Reluctantly I gave her back her beads and reached for my car keys. I told here whenever I found myself not breathing, I would immediately return and seek her help. And how I really did not see how no more apple fritters would make me less stressed. And apple fritter-less life seemed like stress just waiting to happen. Giving her the Universal Sign of Peace, I went on my way.

This really reduced me to only one more viable option. The only technique left after my internet search was the help of L. Ron Hubbard. Tom Cruise would have to help me de-stress. However, after multiple phone calls, I was unable to get Tom Cruise to return any of my calls. I thought now that Shreveport was the Hollywood of the South, that maybe I could actually run into him and plead for admittance to the giant Scientology Center I always see pictures of in People Magazine. After hours of waiting outside the latest movie set, there was still no sign of Tom Cruise. But they did offer me a job picking up trash after hours in the parking lot.

Feeling my stress mounting even further after days of unsuccessful attempts at relief, I realized what I needed to do. I climbed back in my car and headed back to the FedEx store to beg them to return my package that I knew was stuffed plumb full of bubble wrap. I knew nothing would ever feel so good as busting thousands of bubbles all the way home, and I could always mail my niece her present by the 4th of July. And maybe along the way home I would stop in the store and buy a few apple fritters.