Dear Darcie......

Once again, I have received many letters asking for advice and have decided to answer a few for the benefit of my readers.

Dear Darcie: My mother-in-law babysits my toddler periodically and keeps him in a playpen whenever I am off finding my path to enlightenment in the Himalayas. I am a very advanced and modern thinking woman and do not approved of keeping children in pens. I am worried it will damage his psyche. What do you think? Signed, Dolly Llama

Dear Dolly: Do not worry about keeping your child in a pen. My own parents were employed amidst horses and kept me in what they referred to as "a yard.." Although, we all know it was a pen and was also suitable for dogs, chickens, or goats. This kept me very safe and allowed people to walk by and pat my head. Thus keeping me from the typical lonely life of an only child who happens to be in a pen. It also kept me safe from being stomped by rampaging horses. It promoted good problem solving skills and fence climbing techniques. Growing up in such a small space, I was quite comfortable living in the city in a townhouse with no yard, only a patio big enough to plant one tomato. It also promotes children to grow up and work for large corporations that provide only a cubicle as a workspace. In bad economic times when the large corporation fires 75 percent of their employees, it makes for a happy adult that is forced to live in the tiny space above the neighbor’s garage. It also keeps peace of mind when, even when having low rent in the neighbor’s garage, money gets tight and you are forced to knock off a bank. Then while doing 5 to 20, you do not mind that small cell and will emerge early for good behavior because of the positive mental attitude that was kept by enjoying small spaces. Your mother–in-law is providing your child with good future life skills. Remember to thank her.

Dear Darcie: My young daughter is deathly afraid of broccoli. Is this normal or should I consult a therapist? Signed, Vicki Vegan

Dear Ms Vegan: Don’t worry about a strong aversion to certain vegetables. I, as a child, witnessed a man choke on a pickle as he exited the cafeteria near my pen. Since CPR was not even invented until 1960 and my pen was in the rural mountains where people were unfamiliar with abbreviations, the poor man never had a chance. My mother then went into a state of full panic whenever I was inclined to want a burger and would remind me of the poor soul that so carelessly took his garnishments for granted. She would cut my burger into 78 tiny pieces while reminding me to chew good. I still get nervous around cheeseburgers and get very apprehensive when around sporting events that sell giant pickles in that paper sleeve. Possibly I need a therapist.

Dear Darcie: While visiting the circus, my little boy began to cry over the clowns. I tried to explain that clowns were funny, but he was very afraid. What do you suggest to convince him these are loveable characters? Signed, Ron McDonald

Dear Ronald: Your little boy is obviously a lot more in tune with life than you. Clowns are tremendously scary creatures hiding behind giant red noses and fuzzy hair. Although on the surface they are supposed to be funny, it is evident in popular reference that they are not. When someone wrecks into your car, what do you say? "That clown ran into me." When someone mishandles your groceries, you say, "That clown packed my bread underneath the soda bottles." Obviously a reference that clowns do bad things. And have you ever seen that Stephen King movie? Definitely not a warm and fuzzy character. Even in the rodeo, a popular local sport, the clowns try to save the cowboys and get the wild bulls to attack them instead. This demonstrates, at the very least, a culture of masochistic tendencies. Not healthy at all to expose your child to such psychologically twisted individuals. Thank goodness I grew up inside a fence that kept all the clowns on the outside. But, although my children loved to lunch at the local fastfood restaurant that had a caged play yard, it was too traumatic for me to bring them very often and order cheeseburgers that were served by a clown. Trust your child and nix the circus and opt for the WWE instead.