Dear Darcie.......

Receiving a message last Wednesday referencing something I had written, I came to see that my column had become a source of advice for many people in our community. Feeling ashamed that I hadn’t taken the time to answer some of your questions, I have printed a few of your letters and responded to your needs. Now, I understand my advice is very one sided, so I hope I will not offend anyone when I offer solutions to these poor, problem ridden souls. But I cannot contain so much knowledge without sharing, at least some of it, with those in need.

Letter #1 Dear Darcie, My husband does not seem to appreciate me. I work hard all day keeping our home and our children, and he comes home grumpy and cross. What should I do? From An Overworked Wife

Dear Overworked Wife, Ditch the bum. After all your hard work he should come home and massage your shoulders. Men are notorious for not appreciating women. After you throw him out, cut up his clothes, clean out his bank accounts, and don’t let him see his kids. Of course, this will automatically get your thrown out of the Tuesday night Bunko and Man-Bashing Club that you have been enjoying for years. Now that you are single with no man to bash, your friends will find you boring and find another, more interesting, Bunko friend. Also, you may realize that you actually loved the guy and can’t find another one that will put up with you either. And without a man in the house, you will not have anyone handy to open jelly jars and fix things with power tools.

Letter #2 Dear Darcie, I have read that you are a gardener and am having a problem with my African Violets. I have repotted them and some sort of strange bug has infested my house. From Problems With Persistent Pests

Dear PPP, You have a fungus gnat problem. The best way to handle this is place your pots in the oven and bake the soil at 450 degrees for about a half hour or until baked all the way through. You will know it is done when a knife inserted in the pan comes out clean. However, this can be very hard on the violets. Unless you really like dried flowers. Also, this can be very confusing when baking pies in the oven for the holidays. Be sure and not get the pecan pies confused with the infested soil and serve them to your Thanksgiving guests. Unless, of course, the guest is the ex-husband from Letter #1. Then this could be beneficial. If you tend to get things easily confused and accidentally feed your guests the pots of soil, do not panic. Ingesting a little dirt never really hurt anybody. Just ask any three year old. And actually it could be much more effective than Metamucil for your older guests. But, there is a chance that the soil is not pure and could have some toxic additives in it, such as Round Up that the ex-husband from Letter #1 sprayed your favorite violets with when you cut up his clothes. It is usually best to just be very careful not to mix up the pots and pans. Maybe opt out of pecan pie and go with something less confusing such as apple or peach.

Letter #3 Dear Darcie, I read your column about the stress of being first borne. Do you think that could be why I am so stressed? From An Oldest Sibling

Dear Oldest Sibling, Drink more liquor. This is amazingly relaxing. Although it does tend to have the side effects of terrible headaches and job loss. However, the long term effects tend to be additction and having to attend those meetings, where you can sit in a group and talk about how you wished you hadn’t thrown out your husband. These meetings can be useful in filling the gaping hole in your week because you were thrown out of your Bunko club.

Letter #4 Dear Darcie, My teenagers are driving me crazy. They seem to get mad about everything and I am going broke trying to support them. From A Frazzled Mom

Dear Frazzled Mom, If you happen to be the same mom, from Letter #1, just give the kids back to your ex-husband. This is called poetic justice. And lay off the liquor. You will end up at meetings.

I certainly hope I was helpful to a few of you out there and that in helping some I didn’t offend others. But, if I did, just stop by the house. I will share some Pecan Pie.