The holidays are coming. XM radio is playing carrols, Dillards has Christmas trees up, and shopping time has arrived. What better place to start than Sam’s Club? Strolling around filling my basket with stuff I don’t need, I heard this wonderful announcement over the speakers.
The excited voice barked that free paring knives would be given away to the first 50 shoppers that made it to the back. I immediately swung my buggy around for a mad dash to the back. I really, really needed a paring knife. Just yesterday I needed to pare some things and didn’t have a paring knife. I careened around the corner of the cheeses to stop in a group of people that were also in desperate need for skinless apples.
While waiting for the knife man, I mentioned to the lady next to me that I hoped we didn’t have to watch a demonstration. I was really in a hurry. She nodded and said she wouldn’t be taken in by any wild sales pitch either. She just wanted her paring knife.
The man came out and set up his stuff and told us if we would just listen to him for three minutes we could all get our knives with a $4.99 value and go home. My new friend and I looked at each other and sighed. But three minutes wasn’t that long.
He pulled out this really long sharp knife with a funny end. He waved it about and said how wonderful it was for slicing. He cut some carrots, and then a piece of cardboard, and then sawed on the steel end of a hammer. Then after all that he sliced a tomato in the finest of perfect slices. Wow! I couldn’t believe such wonder in a knife. And all for $39.95.
Then, he showed us the pronged end was for after you sliced your Christmas roast in ever so perfect pieces, you then pick up the slice with the prongs and dip it in gravy. I was amazed. I could picture myself at the Christmas feast, slicing perfect pieces of roast and dipping them ever so gently in gravy, while my guests would be awestruck at the precision and dexterity I was displaying at dinner.
AND!!! he bellowed. You not only get one knife, but TWO!! And he pulled out another. Goodness, that was exciting. I felt myself tense. And then he pulled out another. For the same price you got a third to give to a friend. I could give one to a friend!! How kind of me! Did I really want to give my friends really sharp knives? I occasionally say things I don’t mean. Did I want to risk them being armed?
AND!!! you get this hand slicer/dicer/chopper as part of the bargain! Oh my gosh! I could use a slicer/dicer/chopper. So many things needed dicing that I hadn’t diced because I didn’t have that. With this handy little tool I could dice everything in site. I could take it with me and dice up my lunch at McDonalds.
AND!!! you get these little juice straws to suck the juice out of an orange. In LSU colors! This was the bomb! I could picture myself at an LSU game, which I had never been to, sucking an orange with my little LSU juice thingy while watching the game. I would have to start following the Tigers. And I bet I couldn’t get oranges at the game. I would have to bring my own. But wouldn’t all the fans think I was cool?
"Who wants this great deal?" I glanced over at my new friend and our gazes locked. She nodded. She threw her left elbow into the woman’s ribcage on her left and I kicked the guys knees on my right. Shoulder to shoulder we plowed to the front of the crowd crying out our need for this wonderful stuff. I threw my new treasures in my buggy and barreled my way away from the rioting crowd.
Arriving home, I excitedly spread my array of wonderful gadgets in front of my husband to show him what a Thanksgiving feast we would have with perfectly sliced turkey and perfectly diced potatoes. He stared at my treasures for a moment and then rested his gaze on my happy face.
"You couldn’t ha
ve just taken the free paring knife and left?"
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